The thing in the title?
Yeah, doing that makes me miserable.
As you know, I initially wrote a post that references things some people in my department had said. I had already waited a couple of days to write the post, figuring I should give myself time to think about it instead of reacting emotionally. I later removed it because a colleague said it could be perceived as burning bridges within my department. Maybe I needed more time to think. After talking with more people within my department, within academia, and outside of academia, I decided it should go back up with some edits. I think the topic of how we view evolution acceptance and education is profoundly important. How shitty my NSF fellowship draft was not the main point of that article (though thanks to those of you who gave constructive criticism).
I know not everyone agrees with me on my decision to restore the post, so I want to try to explain.
When I was younger, I was shy. Cripplingly shy. I never spoke up because it seemed every time I did, someone would make fun of me or judge me for what I said. I was that nerdy awkward kid with no friends on the bottom of the social totem pole. When I was switching schools, I knew I’d be meeting new people and had a chance to start anew. I resolved myself to not caring about what other people thought about me. I would speak my mind and share my thoughts, and screw anyone who had a problem with it. If they thought I was abrasive or weird or offensive, did I really want to be friends with them anyway?
Doing this changed my life immensely. I was finally happy with myself. There were certainly times where my plan hurt. Like many girls, I had been socialized to be soft spoken and modest and to want everyone to like me. I still feel twinges of panic when I know someone thinks negatively of me. But overall, I find myself much happier – and surrounded by much better friends – because I embrace honesty.
And frankly, I don’t think the social dynamics of the real world – be it business or academia – are all that different from a high school cafeteria. I know that by speaking my mind, I will probably accidentally burn some bridges. There will be people out there who see me as a rabble-rouser and a trouble maker that they don’t want to be associated with. Most people expect you to Play the Game, or to at least Play the Game long enough that you can subvert it from the inside forty years later.
I refuse to play that game.
Is this going to totally ruin my potential career as a scientist? Honestly, probably not. Because for every person who sees me as a liability, there are people who respect a willingness to speak up when it’s risky. I’ve had numerous biology professors and biologists in industry across the country – almost all of them strangers – say how impressed they were that I was doing what I was doing. I’ve even had some try to recruit me to work in their lab. Being an outspoken blogger is going to be seen as a positive by some people. Do I really want to be working with the people who think otherwise?
But a fairly well-known skeptic told me recently that he hoped I was looking into alternative careers, because he thought I was screwed. No one was going to hire me. You have to wait until you have tenure to be so outspoken!
What if he’s right? What if after four more years of grad school, I find out I’m totally wrong? If I realize I can’t get a job anywhere in academia, because people have blacklisted me?
Then I’d be happy to leave academia.
I don’t want to be somewhere where I’m miserable. And being forced to play that game – the game I realize the vast majority of people have to play – is not what I want in life. I rather live my life to the fullest instead of constantly being fearful that anything I do may ruin my Grand Plan. To steal sage advice from Greta – I rather be hated for what I am than loved for what I’m not. If that leaves me trying to get by on freelance writing and blog earnings, or doing who knows what, then so be it. For all I know, it could also leave me as the next celebrated popular science writer. Who knows.
But what I do know is that I will be surrounded by people who like and respect the real me, not someone who is too fearful to speak out, or too busy kissing ass. I’m sure some of you will think I’m a naive idealist, and that I should just hunker down and play the game like everyone else. But the virtues of being honest and outspoken are more important to me than climbing the social ladder or making a couple more dollars on my paycheck.
109 comments
Ren says:
Oct 30, 2011
I completely agree with you but often lack the strength to act accordingly. You have all my respect and admiration!
Pareidolius says:
Oct 30, 2011
Your post is unclear . . . what do you “jokingly” call yourself?
kohldamunga says:
Oct 30, 2011
“Your post is unclear . . . what do you “jokingly” call yourself?”
My post is unclear? I was talking about those people who project the image of ‘scientist’ to the world … and spend a tremendous amount of energy to maintain that image. But when you look deep into things, you discover that the most these people have contributed to science is nothing more than memorizing some scientific concepts, and then parroting these concepts in various ways.
Some good examples, off the top of my head, are: Sam Harris, P Z Myers… I was wondering if the owner of this blog is in the same category.
Wes says:
Oct 31, 2011
This is getting added to the list of my favorite Blag Hag posts. Stay strong, lady!
Kelly says:
Nov 1, 2011
Hello Jen,
Thank you for this post. It really hit’s home with me.
I’ve been struggling a lot at my job of two years, largely since I pointed out some comments and concerns with co-worker bias/rumors, mild racial comments, and I spoke up knowing I wasn’t alone within my work circle in these thoughts.
My boss(and owner of the small business) didn’t like this. Asked me what my agenda was. Why I was trying to upset the big happy family. Rock the boat.
I though having been there two years meant I was apart of the family. That being one of the best sales people meant I was entitled to input. Boy was I wrong.
No it’s not my career, or identical to your situation, but in struggling with similar ‘burn bridges’ concepts in many aspects of my life: I feel the principal is the same.
Thank you for your post. Power to you girl.
Please don’t give up.
Kelly
Jacob V says:
Nov 1, 2011
“And frankly, I don’t think the social dynamics of the real world – be it business or academia – are all that different from a high school cafeteria”
Hey Jen, if you’re saying that most humans hit their social stride around 15 and don’t change much except for some refinements in later years, then I’d have to say I totally agree. I didn’t read the unedited post but this one was great!
Athywren says:
Nov 2, 2011
I’m pretty sure it was naive idealism to think that women could be allowed to vote… just sayin’.
My brain looked at me funny before I clicked the submit comment button. “You know people will think you’re being sexist and shout you down for it, right?”
Less subtle rephrasing: All social progress starts as naive idealism. Naive idealism will raise humanity to hights of social and ethical maturity above our wildest dreams… I hope.
christierowe says:
Nov 5, 2011
While I agree with almost everything that’s been said here, I just wonder whether an NSF application is a relevant forum to get on this soapbox. It seems kind of off-topic and unnecessarily preachy. While physioprof is right and you are likely preaching to the choir, you and your argument will both fair better if you are calm, reasoned and specific rather than disdainful. Regardless, best of luck with your application! Reviewer selection is a non-reproducible lottery anyway.
Russ Bragdon says:
Jan 5, 2012
I actually wanted to compose a small note to thank you for some of the pleasant secrets you are showing on this website.