Merry Christmas, all of my fellow atheists! I hope your holiday is filled with fun, family, good food, and gifts, and lacking annoying music, icy roads, and cantankerous religious relatives.

Apparently my Christmas present this year is a nasty full body rash. Hooray for mononucleosis combined with antibiotics! The effect is super common – it happens more often than not – but it still makes me cranky. You know how your skin looks when you accidentally fall asleep on textured fabric? My entire body (and face) looks that way, but in hasn’t gone away. Absolutely lovely for the many family photographs that will likely ensue today. And top of making me look like a leper, it’s just started to itch like hell.

I’m convinced God hates me. Every Christmas something seems to be wrong with me. I’ve had a broken foot, chicken pox, bad colds, and now mono on Christmas.

Mark: It’s because dirty little heathens shouldn’t enjoy Christmas like the people who worship the lord and savior of mankind, Jesus Christ Blessed Be His Name.
Me: But most of those things occurred when I was little D:
Mark: God knows AAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL! He was pre-punishing you.

Bah humbug!