That’s my special way of saying that HUMP was fucking brilliant. Or brilliant fucking. Whichever way you want to look at it, it was amazing.

Me: *takes out a pen and paper*
Friend: …Are you going to take notes?
Me: I’m a blogger, shush!

It’s hard to explain exactly how much awesome was packed into these videos, but here were some highlights, including my personal picks for the awards:

  • Stop motion porn, with a literal pearl necklace representing ejaculation…and becoming a pearl necklace.
  • A fivesome…where two of the participants were alien blow up dolls.
  • Fucking on a pile of coffee beans, resulting in the beans being cutely stuck to the guy’s butt.
  • “Bukkake Circus” – yes, it involves bukkake AND scary clowns. I don’t know if it was more or less scary because it was animated.
  • A beautifully artistic video on fireplay
  • Items laying around indicating a raunchy public sexcapade…pan to the police car, only to find a couple that looks like your mom and dad sitting in the back. Hilariously cute ending.
  • Claymation monster sex.
  • The best It Gets Better Project video ever. The guy is trying to give a serious talk while being blown off camera. Once the camera pans out, they fuck like bunnies to prove that it indeed gets better. Much better.
  • A funny yet hot video on the do’s and don’ts of electricplay, where no people were actually shown, but the audio alone was amazing.
  • While the electricplay video was really hot, I had to vote for the most blasphemous video for Best Kink. It started with a nun masturbating to a photo of Jesus. I was dying at “Fuck me hard, Jesus!” but it just kept getting more and more blasphemous. She squirted all over a photo of Jesus. Then she finds some random guy on the street to blow, the whole time the both of them saying stuff like “My boyfriend Jesus is going to punish me for this…eternally.” The climax of the video involved the nun sticking the long skinny part of her crucifix necklace into the urethra of the guy’s penis. I already find sounding (yes, it has a name) uncomfortable to watch, but I think the fact that it was with a crucifix suitably shocked most of the audience. Oh, and while it was happening, the guy said “I feel the Lord inside me!” Yeah, now you know why I had to vote for this.
  • My vote for Best Sex went to the video where we learned that the logos for Apple and Nike were created after some hot as hell gay sex. Like, wow. The only bad thing about this video is that it means there are two more super attractive guys in the world who are gay *shakes fist*
  • The video I picked for Best of Show and Best Humor was insanely witty, and definitely received the most laughter from the audience. They took an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos and made porn videos to replace the original ones, but they fit absolutely perfectly with the host’s commentary and audience reactions. They even had pornified commercials, which were just as perfect. I laughed so hard I started to cry. I actually wish that our favourite adult websites like https://www.m-porn.xxx/ would do more stuff like this all the time.

People kept asking me, “Don’t you think it’s going to be awkward watching porn in a room full of strangers – or worse, with friends?” Obviously those people don’t know me that well and can only watch videos from the likes of hardpornlinks.com or other porn sites, by themselves. The first video was super funny, which helped diffuse any tension that was in the room. But watching with other people is what made it even more enjoyable. Hearing the audience laugh or cry “aaauuuuugggghhhh” in unison was great, as was glancing over to see my friends’ reactions to a particularly funny or horrifying bit. One of them winced when they saw a video with content that looked straight from lock the cock, which you bet I caught.

Friend: *whispers* That was my first gay sex video I’ve ever watched!
Me: *shakes hand*

Overall, I was impressed by the quality of the videos. Most were very well done cinematically and artistically. And honestly, the people were way more attractive and the sex was way hotter than your stereotypical porn because it wasn’t super fake. Seriously, porn industry, not everyone needs a foot long cock and fake boobs to make something erotic. Just give me some of the normal content you can find on places like youngsexer.com instead of this bigger stuff.

And a personal highlight – I finally got to meet Dan Savage! When we were waiting to go inside the theater he recognized me, said hello, gave me a hug, and then we chatted for a bit. I can’t get over how I listen to his podcast and read his posts on Slog religiously, and then he’s telling me that he reads my blog every day and is looking forward to my review of HUMP. It’s just so bizarrely awesome to have someone you respect so much say that. So, uh, hi Dan, and thanks!

HUMP managed to exceed my expectations, and I had pretty high expectations going in. This is definitely becoming a yearly tradition for me as long as I’m in Seattle – and maybe even beyond that!