My friend Mark has been visiting me in Seattle since Saturday afternoon. Mark and I have one of those weird sibling-like friendships that has lasted forever: we met in first grade and proceeded to go to the same elementary school, middle school, high school, and college. But honestly I’m a kind of mediocre tour guide in Seattle. My regular activities involve sitting on the internet, watching Netflix, and playing video games… so suffice to say, I don’t really know how to find entertainment in the city.

But the one thing I do know is where the good food is. So my main contribution to his trip has been dragging him to delicious lunches and dinners. That also means I’ve been in a perpetual food coma since Saturday, and will continue to be in one until I drive him to the airport Thursday afternoon.

Because my food addled brain cannot conceive of any other topic to write about, I’ll share where we’ve been eating. If you’re ever in Seattle, I highly recommend these places. We have hit up or are planning on hitting up:

  1. The Honey Hole
    Location: Capitol Hill
    Description: Do you want a delicious sandwich and great local beer? Yes, yes you do.
  2. The Unicorn
    Location: Capitol Hill
    Description: My favorite bar. I like to describe it as a bar designed by a 5 year old on LSD. The trippy decor is great, but the mixed drinks are great too. I devoured my Mango Drop the other night. And the Unicorn Jizz is legitimately good, and not just because I have the sense of humor of said 5 year old who designed the bar. Also, ridiculous unicorn hats:
  3. Dilettante’s
    Location: Various
    Description: Five dollar chocolate martini happy hour every day? Sign me up.
  4. Some random hot dog stand
    Location: Anywhere there are bars
    Description: If you need to satiate your drunken munchies, there’s nothing better than a Seattle dog: hot dog, cream cheese, and grilled onion on a toasted bun.
  5. Jai Thai
    Location: Fremont (NOT the shitty one in Capitol Hill)
    Description: There are a bajillion Thai places in Seattle, and a million that are awesome. Jai Thai is one of those. I’m sure you can name a better one, but Jai Thai is reasonably priced, has a diverse and consistently awesome menu, nails their Thai Iced Coffee, and is conveniently near by boyfriend’s place.
  6. Brouwer’s
    Location: Fremont
    Description: A Flemish cafe with 64 beers on tap, over 300 bottles of beer, and over 60 scotches. I don’t need to say anything more, but their fries are to die for too.
  7. The Pine Box
    Location: Capitol Hill
    Description: A mortuary that’s been converted into a pub, complete with booths constructed from church pews. It just opened and is a project from the same people behind Brouwer’s, and you can tell. Great beer selection, a randal that infuses a different beer every day with something delicious like coffee beans or cocoa nibs, and awesome pizza.
  8. Beecher’s Cheese
    Location: Pike Place Market
    Description: To paraphrase Mark’s reaction: “I don’t even really like cheese, but holy fuck.” Try the mac and cheese and the fresh cheese curds in olive oil and herbs. Those cheese curds are so fresh they were grass 24 hours ago. So goooood.
  9. La Carta de Oaxaca
    Location: Ballard
    Description: People complain that there’s no such thing as good Mexican food in Seattle, and I used to agree. Then I found La Carta. Holy fuck. This isn’t just good for Seattle, it’s good for anywhere. If you don’t try their mole, you’re missing out.
  10. Molly Moon’s
    Location: Various
    Description: Quite possibly the best ice cream I’ve ever had. It’s a close race between Molly Moon’s and Jeni’s in Columbus, OH, and I just can’t decide. My favorite flavors are the Balsamic Strawberry and the Salty Caramel, though the Theo Chocolate is probably the best chocolate ice cream I’ve had the opportunity to taste. And trust me, I’ve tried a lot of ice cream.
  11. Chiso
    Location: Fremont
    Description: I’m not a huge sushi person, but wow. The picture says it all:
  12. Dot’s Delicatessen
    Location: Fremont
    Description: This is honestly my favorite place on the list. I’ve tried dozens of different sandwiches at Dot’s, and every one is tied for “Best Sandwich I’ve Ever Had.” I never knew meat on bread could taste so divine. If you live in Seattle and aren’t a vegetarian, you need to go to Dot’s right. Now. I couldn’t decide on a single photo, so just go here and keep scrolling down.
  13. Paseo
    Location: Fremont, Ballard
    Description: This previously held the title of “Best Sandwich I’ve Ever Had” before Dot’s opened up across the street. But their Cuban Roast is still a damn delicious sandwich. You won’t need to eat for the rest of the day.
  14. Ray’s Boathouse
    Location: Ballard
    Description: Alright, I actually haven’t eaten here before, but it was universally recommended to me when I asked “Where’s a good somewhat fancy seafood place?” And after drooling over their menu, I can’t wait to try it out tomorrow. Apparently it also has a gorgeous view of the Puget Sound. This place ended up being pretty disappointingly average and way overpriced.
  15. Portage Bay Cafe
    Location: Various
    Description: Do you want a fancy brunch? Then you want this place. Everything is delicious. The french toast, the crab cakes eggs Benedict, the unlimited fresh berry topping bar…dear god

And those are just the places that I can fit into Mark’s schedule. I’d also highly recommend Marination Station (Hawaiian-Korean fusion tacos), Cantinetta (mindblowing Italian), the pupusas at Guanaco’s Tacos Pupuseria

tl;dr I will have consumed 98474387368 calories this week. Guess who’s going to hit the gym on overdrive next week…