I’ve noticed a trend that lately food commercials are becoming super sexual. Now, I don’t watch a ton of TV, so maybe this has always been going on… But some of these commercials have shot way past Funny and landed in Moderately Disturbing. I know they always say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but is the way to his stomach through his junk?

For example, Padma Lakshmi’s Hardee’s commercial:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzwxmy1TWNM&hl=en&fs=1&]

Mmmm, yeah former vegetarian, put that big hunk of Western meat into your mouth. Oh yeah, lick it up. Because you know Western meat is better than that puny Indiana cock… er, I mean meat. Meat. Yeaaah.

Ok, Padma is smoking hot, but is it really attractive to see a gal dribble barbeque sauce all over herself and then lick it off? Actually, don’t answer that. Anyway, this commercial is nothing compared to ones with more overt sexuality:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaHDN3_X4QY&hl=en&fs=1&]

Oh god, Arby’s hat boner, really? I’m open to a lot of kinks and fetishes, but I think I draw the line at Fast Food Worker Selling Food. But at least that one involved two human beings.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XiZk74GkgM&hl=en&fs=1&]

This White Castle commercial is yet more proof that there Is No God.

Really, what the hell? Every time this comes on I die a little inside as I stare at my television set, mortified. I think the worst part is I know there are probably furries out there somewhere masturbating over this thing. And again with the sexy barbeque sauce. Do you know how sticky that would be? Yuck.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LQpRQh2KSQ&hl=en&fs=1&]

I have to admit I think this is the funniest one in the bunch, only because it’s so wrong that it has to be good. Anything involving a gay sub-dom relationship with a toaster oven and a power bottom sandwich making boy gets an A+ in my book. But does it make me want to stick Quizno’s Toasty Torpedo in my mouth? Nooooo.

Why do I even bring this up? Because my friend just linked me to the most disturbing video of all. Honestly, this is probably NSFW.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nquccBCNYpg&hl=en&fs=1&]

Thank you, Sprite, for forever making me associate the flavor of Sprite with that of jizz.

Now, if I was a good feminist, I would write up some diatribe about how all of these commercials are examples of the objectification of women and sexist and yadda yadda. But I have a bigger issue with the commercials – do these really make people buy the food? I get that they’re humorous, but do you really want to go grab a Sprite and a Toasty Torpedo right about now? I think it’s much more likely that you will want to head to fullhdxxx (anchor) to be honest. I’d prefer not to think about a soda money shot while eating my dinner, but maybe that’s just me.

Yuck.