“Volunteer ministers” from the Church of Scientology are descending upon Haiti to help quake victims. That’s great! Oh, wait, how are they helping them? By using magical touching powers to reconnect nervous systems:

“We’re trained as volunteer ministers, we use a process called ‘assist’ to follow the nervous system to reconnect the main points, to bring back communication,” she said.

“When you get a sudden shock to a part of your body the energy gets stuck, so we re-establish communication within the body by touching people through their clothes, and asking people to feel the touch.”

Thank you, Scientology, for being completely worthless and insane. People are injured and dying, and you’re going around poking people. You’re doing more harm then good by making people think that they’ve actually received some sort of medical care, when you haven’t done diddly squat.

I love the skeptical quote from the doctor, which sums up things quite nicely:

Some doctors at the hospital are skeptical. One US doctor, who asked not to be named, snorted: “I didn’t know touching could heal gangrene.”

Indeed. Maybe the Scientologists could enlighten us on this wonderful healing power? It would certainly make universal health care more viable, if all we had to do was touch people.